with ever the possibility of delusion:
personality, what makes up (us)
the instinct of a god, the ability to cut the fabric with thought.
who is to blame? asked she, neither knowing
nor knowing how to know. IF I could go back,
the point also moves back to some further cause;
she enters a world of mirrors. This dissociative dream is
me and not-me, here and nowhere.
(A straighter path?) maybe, but -
“Look at the ground I have covered, all of it is my own!”
This is –
my daughter has been pestering me
with her four-year old version of sympathy
“I’m so sorry Jamie died,” she says – at least once a day.
When I think of him, I do it without thinking: as if
some part of me is connected to that (whatever) he is?
When I saw the triangle I knew my mistake; blind to the need
behind the fusion – why is it I cannot let you go?
The thing you are is not what I wanted you to be.
Love, let me call you brother.
I, who have no sisters or brothers, look with some degree of innocent envy on
those who may be said to be born to friends.
- James Boswell
synchronicity, we follow
without desire to know where it goes.
destinies fulfilled: strangers passing
The universe is a great theater of mirrors, a set of hieroglyphs for us to decipher; everything is a sign,
everything harbors and manifests mystery.
The principles of contradiction, of excluded middle, and of linear causality are supplanted
by those of resolution, of included middle, and of synchronicity.
- Alice Bailey
The entire universe is a great theater of mirrors, a set of hieroglyphs to decipher; everything is a sign, everything harbors and manifests mystery. The principles of contradiction, of excluded middle, and of linear causality are supplanted by those of resolution, of included middle, and of synchronicity.
i said: my poor fish
my favorite pink one, the genetically bred one, the one
there is only one of: has something
(red) coming out of her.
i have read about this! they can miscarry or
abort their young (just like me) oh!
the fish, my favorite fish.
so i sit and watched for hours, the thing -
the thing fell off and she swam up to the surface (hello!)
and rested in the tendrils of green.
but – then i could not find her, the next morning
or later – haunted by the perpetual thought
of her children eating her flesh.
it’s natural: i said, and i believe it is true -
but i did not like the thought that in the night
(poof!) and she is gone.
later i found her, upside down, between two rocks.
big, channeling quartz, beautiful.
she was beautiful – perfectly pink, a wag of black
and oh(!) those stripes – but
d
e
a
d
(and i got to say thank you)
A man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own.
- Thomas Mann
For the last several years I have been doing a particular ‘exercise’ when reading any Spiritual text or New Age book: I take notes on the core beliefs, if any, and diagram what the particular author or theory suggests are important aspects of living. This exercise actually originated from a very egotistic need: I have often received criticism for not being able to accurately describe the sphere of influence of my own theories. I walk through life absorbing or discarding information, and it has never particularly bothered me that I can no longer tell which Hindu story comes from which text, or if my views on karma are more aligned with Hindu or Buddhist views. I have always focused on the larger patterns, the overarching themes, the archetypal energies instead of the specific instance.
I am known for criticizing duality – that is – buying into the illusion of duality we experience in daily life. There is no doubt that duality exists – everything in our world is pitted against another. One of the most obvious results of living in a dualistic world is conflict, whether it be internal, external, violent or silent. Every day we perceive the manifestations of dualistic beliefs: (in general) superiority, power, judgment, abuse – (more specifically) nationalism, racism, sexism, and the age-old debate of good vs. evil. One of the core effects of dualistic thinking is the belief that there is the ‘Self’ and the ‘Other.’ The ‘Other’ takes many (if not all) forms, but the ‘Other’ can be easily recognized as anything that is not the ‘Self.’ This concept is much more easily understood than the dualistic battle that rages within.
Many Spiritual and New Age texts place an insane amount of emphasis on acceptance. The Goddess Kwan Yin is revered among many as the archetype of compassion and is one of the most popular of the so called ‘Masters.’ In almost every text analyzed, acceptance and compassion are the number one ideas or anchor points of the theory. But one must ask – what IS compassion? And should we really accept ALL as it is?
All that unfolds unfolds with purpose. Whether you are a martyr or a murderer your life contains opportunities for growth and lessons for learning. Whether you have made poor or wise choices, you will continue to be presented with more. The beauty of Free Will is the gift of choice: to choose where you go, what you do, and how you respond. Compassion is acceptance without judgment – unconditional love (per se) – and yes, it is the ideal. But does being compassionate, accepting the choices of others – mean we have to love those choices? No, it does not. Compassion is the acceptance of what IS – because the past cannot be undone and the future cannot be fully known. Compassion is standing in THIS moment and accepting the situation – standing in THIS moment and pouring forth love into every situation.
Our dualistic tendencies often conflict with the idea of compassion. While our Universe may reflect duality, there is something underneath (the thing we all yearn to know) that is not divided, that does not defer to the outer laws of Dualism. This is God, Source, the purpose of Being, the reason for existence. Humans build knowledge through experience, and our experience dictates that the world – and everything below and above it – should follow the dualistic principles we already know. But the Truth is, dualism is an illusion. Our world appears to be dualistic because through experiencing and understanding individual parts we should theoretically be able to eventually understand and experience the whole.
But instead what we often see is limited to the surface, the white man versus the black man, Western thought versus Eastern, the egoistic drive to separate into a distinct ‘Self’ that has no connection, no responsibility to the ‘Other.’ The overemphasized concept of Compassion pushes us in the right direction. But Compassion, too, can fall victim to dualistic thinking.
Sometimes when we feel within ourselves something that is not ‘right’ – we over-attempt to compensate by moving too far in the opposite direction. This is exactly what I feel the Spiritual/New Age community has done with Compassion.
Instead of addressing the imbalance that results from living in a dualistic plane, we simply shift to the opposite type of thought or action. Dualism shows us – in innumerable ways – that when opposites are combined – that is – when they COME TOGETHER WITH BALANCE – the two parts create something new, a totality of one. The yin-yang symbol is an excellent example of dualism in action. The two parts can perfectly merge – but within each part is also the seed of the ‘Other.’ Within any thing are both opposing parts – the light and the dark – the good and the evil – the ‘Self’ and the ‘Other.’
We can accept what IS as being as it should be when we move into the space of awareness where everything can be seen as a purposeful experience. This is compassion, this is acceptance. But, what happens when we completely stop differentiating between dualistic pairs – when there is no longer any right or wrong? How can perfection exist in every moment when clearly we are not perfect? The imperfection we perceive is the only illusion – the divisive force of dualism.
What seems to be the obvious answer to me is that the Self is divided just as everything else in the Universe. This means that *I* am here, typing at this computer, but there is also more to me that is intangible and perhaps even unknowable. While many may practice the art of Compassionate living, very few exercise that same compassion toward the Self. We have to accept our own imperfection as the perfect opportunity for self actualization that it is.
When exercising compassion toward the Self, the most important thing to remember is that there is purpose in all things. Everything you say and do, whether perceived as right or wrong, is a useful experience. This is logical and we see it happen all the time in more mundane experiences: do we not tell our children to ‘try harder next time’ when they fail? To truly live as a holistic being, we MUST absolutely recognize that the key to everything, the magic answer we all wish to receive, is balance. When we can accept anything and everything that occurs as purposeful, we balance our ‘selves’ with the ‘Other.’ By allowing things we perceive as ‘negative’ to exist – and even embracing them – we move farther from the egoistic Self to being a balanced, connected part of All that Is. Thus we can conclude that Compassion is an integral part of living.
Obviously my ‘problem’ is not with the idea of Compassion itself – it is with how ‘far’ we take it. As stated earlier, humans psychologically tend to swing too far to the opposing side when trying to ‘correct’ an imbalance. In response to the judgment we have placed upon one another since the beginning of time, many are now speaking out about Compassion and holistic living and philosophical and spiritual ideas are becoming more and more mainstream. This is a very good thing. But we must be careful not to swing too far when exercising compassion toward the Self. We must keep the idea of balance in the forefront of our minds. Just think of what would happen if all behaviors and thinking patterns were acceptable to the Self – there would be no motivation!
The very illusion that distorts perception and experience (dualism) becomes the supreme example of perfection. Only with both sides present and accounted for can unity and balance occur.
Within the Self – the dualistic terms are often called ‘light and dark,’ ‘good and evil,’ or more esoteric things like ‘ego’ versus ‘true self.’ The Self is divided just like the reality we experience. But there is also a reason we see the dualistic complements on their own: to learn how to use Free Will. How can we balance without seeing the imbalance? How do we know that doing ‘good’ affects the world positively without seeing ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in action? As humans we will perpetually swing back and forth between our own aspects until we accept both the light and the dark as it is. Only then can we choose which direction we will move. But – you may ask – What is the point of moving in any direction at all if we should accept everything as it is? Remember, the ‘direction’ we seek is not up-down or left-right – it is BALANCE.
Today my point is that we should not just accept things and do nothing. We should accept and do ‘something.’ Every situation we perceive as being negative reflects an imbalance. What we do with that imbalance is our choice. Do we choose to accept imbalance – well, yes, we pretty much have to. But can we change that? Can we move any closer to true balance, toward holistic living in its original sense? I believe we can – but this calls for a giant step in awareness. We must be able to step back long enough to accept what is – and then step up to take action. Where we go in life is entirely up to us – should we choose to accept and learn – and to find our own inner balance – there is no limit. We are only as limited as we are imbalanced. The Universe provides frameworks from which we can learn – examine them over and over until you can see both the positive and the negative – the balance and the imbalance (as with dualism).
Wherever you feel personally out of balance, be honest with yourself about it. Accept your imbalance because it is absolutely inevitable, and there is nothing wrong with it. I am as unbalanced as you are, in unique and different ways, and this applies to all humans. (Remember Compassion!) Take a step away from your imbalance, view it as an entity of its own, find its causes and effects, whatever they may be. The path to healing is the path to balance.
growing up, birthdays are about presents, getting older, gaining responsibilities, and
eventually, freedom. (probably in that order)
snippets of celebrations past: limo rides, pizza parties, the first boy-girl party, champagne.
this year my best friend said, ‘i want nothing for my birthday, it’s just another day.’
i cannot think of a birthday or a person dear without thinking -
of 96 hours of labor, the long fingers of my child, and the feverish wait to hold her.
throw away the gifts – be connected
to those you love, with an open heart: celebrate life
as if it was new(ly laid in your arms).
today i think of a long-lost love, the kind you dont forget
and memory upon memory of life: life that is because he is
and i am and we are.
To laugh often and much: to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…
to leave the world a better place…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is something I wrote roughly two years ago after a particular ‘transcendent experience’ – I am copying it here as it belongs with every grouping of my work…
In the beginning, there WAS. There was no I, there was just existence. I was not me, I was something that yes, was conscious, but there was only NOW the need for consciousness. “I” was not singular or plural, “I” was everything and everything was one. It was as if we had been sleeping for a very long time in the bath of the void – this was the moment of birth. But not until this moment, not until this instantaneous birth of consciousness did the void even exist. The void was birthed at the same time as we – and it looked on us with the same awe that we stared into it.
Mind you I did not have eyes to see, nor did I have arms and legs to flail about in this eternity of possibility. “I” was not yet me – I was still the collective, the totality of one. And as I became conscious of existence, soul became conscious of its own limitless nature. I saw before me the void, but it was not a void – it was the pinnacle of everything imaginable. It was limitless and contained all possibility; those with eyes would say it was “dark” but I saw only what my present existence defines as “light.” Promise.
As I realized the promise of the void laid before me, the pure newly born soul began to sing of its love for this opportunity. Love was not an emotion, there was only I, and as I was still newly born from that which I came, there was no need for emotion, no need for anything defined or experienced by the self. The self was all, and all were one. The experience of being pure light, without knowledge of anything else for there was nothing else in this NOW, this instant of birth – was the birth of I AM.
The I AM, upon realizing the nature of existence, gave birth to the universe. As I looked into the void, suddenly sparks of light in the distance appeared, first one at a time, then increasing in frequency. Their colors encompassed every hue known to man. They began to grow and change, these sparks of light, and one flew past me. As it passed, it’s light morphed and space was born. In one fraction of a second it was an indescribable glimmer and the next it was a glowing ball with depth and size. More flew by, their insides churning, and far in the distance behind me a great explosion occurred, and sound was born. Then began a symphony of explosions, the birthing of solar systems and great stars that was more supreme than any earthly musical creation. As I listened to this sound, fully aware that the greatest of things were being formed from within without, I again felt the presence of the void without consciousness as I had at my own birth. I closed my eyes, once again experienced this void, and a great trembling was felt within. Where I had not previously been cold I now was warm, then hot; I was aware of pulsations from every spark of light, star, and universe that was forming. Each part of my soul now far-flung into the void sang to me, and I was reaffirmed that I was still not “me” – I was all and all were listening, churning, waiting, though by now I had become fully aware of myself and this external process of my own internal birth. I saw then within the void perfection. The stars and universes still swirling around me quieted and in that instant I saw the organization of perfection, my own perfect blueprint, the blueprint for the universe.
There was great chaos in this instant. My consciousness transcended this chaos, and as I looked upon the perfect universe, as I experienced its being, all the sights and sounds and sensations of every nature were amplified. They moved through me for they were me. I was no longer staring at the picture of perfection, I WAS becoming this perfection, and felt the massive energies of all things moving into perfect alignment. This experience transcends words. The universe was born, into perfect order – and I…well, there was no longer any I.
I don’t know where I am.
At times I plunge
to the bottom of the sea,
at times, rise up
like the Sun.
At times, the universe is pregnant by me,
at times I give birth to it.
- Rumi
The Story
Several weeks ago I experienced a series of synchronistic events that answered a THE question looming about my head: What am I going to write now? Although I was constantly beginning new work and revising old – writing seemed to have lost its luster. I felt separate from what I wanted to express, there were too many steps in my thoughts to convey the essentials of the message, it felt impossible. When I started reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, I became even more pessimistic because his work is way too close to mine. Ego stepped in and I felt quite misled, to be honest. What then was my purpose, what is the purpose behind my drive to share my experiences with the infinite? So many destructive fleeting thoughts darted about as I soldiered through Tolle’s book…and then came upon something quite curious.
Tolle takes great care to use stories from various religions and belief systems, and there are three ‘Zen’ stories that not only stood out to me – but knocked me off my feet. Just a week prior to beginning Tolle’s book, I found a box in my closet that contained a few books I had bought for my daughter months ago, but had put aside for later. I had forgotten they were there, and we greatly enjoyed a book I recommend to everyone called Zen Shorts. Tolle’s Zen stories were the very same stories in my daughter’s book. Two is a coincidence, three is a pattern: Three stories, and a pattern means intent. I felt such a connection – a tangible connection between the two events – and also to the stories themselves. I saw before me a medium which typically uses the mundane to explain deeply profound but simple truths. And I knew it was exactly what I wanted to do.
Intent and Artistic Statement
A few people have expressed some difficulty in initially ‘getting’ these ‘Zen’ style poems. I believe they all do (and will continue to) have the required ‘pause’ of traditional Zen literature; however, I am purposefully interweaving styles of writing to express the distance between the ‘selves.’ Those of you who are familiar with my writing will recognize the different styles from works past, and I feel that using them all, switching between them whenever I am compelled to do so, allows for the greatest authenticity of voice – and possibly may reflect the levels of thought and/or consciousness, the differing voices, masks, and intensities by which we live. I am continuing to use a number of ellipses and ‘interjections’ that recall e.e. – the emotional, if not romantic, state of being.
Authenticity has always been my anchor point, and I have committed myself to going to whatever lengths to no longer fictionalize or use theoretical examples. The stories I tell are true, with no distortion other than perception. Nothing is more real than the mundane, nothing speaks greater truth than what is right here, right now. Every moment we experience can be used for learning, for healing – even the moment when you stub your toe and say ‘Oh, shit.’ (Especially that one!) These Zen works are filled with intention. I am also using my own photographs and quotes I feel summarize the purpose of each piece as custom signatures.
This is an important time for me as I am leaving so much of the old behind and stepping into a new state of being. We must open our eyes to our daily dysfunction, the mundane events that illustrate universal concepts. The opportunity for growth is upon us every second of every day; existence – life – itself is the answer to our questions. While we live we must look and learn and every day use the experience of the days prior.
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.
- Marcel Proust
i have this friend named andrea, she is mixed (but not mixed up).
one day she told me a story of a tall and thin black man
who went to the hospital to adopt an indian boy.
the black man adopted the mixed girl instead.
five years later it was 1972 and the tall black man and the
nice white woman could not decide whether to check one box or two,
so they decided to check none at all.
andrea did not go to school that year, not the black school or the white school,
nor the next year as a court-case ensued.
she entered kindergarten at the age of 7,
father bought her red patent shoes.
as the children teased her she clicked her heels and thought of home.
i have this other friend who likes shoes, but she likes what goes in them better.
i once wrote a little diddy with a busted toe,
and i sent it to her, because i thought she would like it.
(i think she can identify everyone she knows by their feet, only)
instead of liking it she questioned it, seeing the toe.
seeing the toe.
It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.
- Henry David Thoreau
tonight i met a woman with a busted toe.
she wore sandals, and the toe
wrapped in cotton and tape, bulged.
and her foot bulged around her shoe.
(her body bulged, too)
i was sitting on a step eye to eye with the thing, as if
i had to see it.
i said to her, quite honestly, “I see you’ve hurt your toe!”
she told me the story,
but what i heard was anger: she set the scene as June,
hot pavement, chasing a dog.
for five months she has been mending her toe, the condition
now warranting professional treatment twice a week.
poor toe.
poor woman i thought, with such dysfunctional pain.
this morning my daughter said to me, “mom, your toe is SO ugly!”
i was surprised to hear her say it, but i know
my toenails need re-painting, and this one in particular has
chipped off in such a way it seems to have a hole.
tonight, i was trying to think of no-thing, to sit in silence
and find my peace when i looked down and was reminded that
i had not re-painted my toes.
what a horrid sight (yet again) why is it i keep forgetting?
and then i thought of that poor woman’s toe,
and the sweet voice of my daughter.
You yourself are the water, you yourself are the fish, and you yourself are the net. You yourself
cast the net, and you yourself are the bait. You yourself are the lotus, unaffected and still brightly-
colored in hundreds of feet of water. You yourself liberate those who think of you for even an instant.
- Sri Guru Granth Sahib
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